This is Part 13 in a series of discussions about topics often brought up here on Etsy. And when I say “discussions” I mean, “You call that a back rub???There are at least 6 other guys who would punch themselves in the face for this job! NOW RUB!”
Look at you all…fresh and squeaky with your newness making you gleam! Oh who am I kidding? You new kids are just huddled in the corner, trying to work out which one of you will be elected (and by that I mean shoved forward roughly) to try and make nice with the cool kids and get to know how things work around here.
Well, I’m a cool kid, so let me help!
What’s that? Full of myself??
Come on! Look at me…with my sleek fur and bushy tail. I can hardly keep my hands off myself! Ha ha, I kid, I kid! I am a bit of a dick – but I am a dick who wants to help the new kids. After all, weren’t we all the new kid once?
(Look around, nodding warmly…)
(Cue title sequence to After School Special )
There are plenty of newbie guides here on Etsy – and if you new kids weren’t so confused and shivery, you might have used the search bar up there to find a couple. And I encourage you to do so – but I have also compiled a few tips here that you might find useful when you are new to the Etsy Forums – a dauntingplace at times.
I do this because I want to help – I just feel bad for you all, having to stand up in front of the class and tell everyone where you are from and what your favourite games are, all the while your brain is screaming that you are going to pee your pants in front of the whole school and how the hell will you ever fit in after you have done that you are just the new kid and the pressure to fit in is too much too much I’m just a little kid AND I WANT TO GO HOME!!
(note to self: therapy appears to be a waste of my cash.)
Top Tip 1:
You need not necessarily multiply but if you are thinking about posting something in the forums, or asking a question, but perhaps you are tentative, just do it! What’s the worst that can happen? Sure, yeah, you could inadvertently offend half the population of the earth and they will then jump down your throat and get all capslock on your ass, but so what! And by so what I mean keep reading, little one – there are tips upcoming here to help you with the forum clusterfuck that people fear so much.
Top Tip 2:
Before you get all giddy from Top Tip 1, do take a second to read your own post and ask yourself a few questions about the tone of what you have written. Occasionally on these forums, people express their frustration or upset by posting a new thread regarding the topic of said frustration. That’s your right to do so, but if you come out swinging, especially in the general direction of another seller or group of sellers, trust me when I tell you they will notice and they will pile on. Them and all their friends, and even a bunch of people who have no real concern about the topic at all but love a good scrum. Now this is not to say that you should never express an opinion that is different from anyone else’s – why that is the life blood of a good forum! But I cannot count the number of times that someone has opened a thread with a post that was clearly written in anger, and by page three cannot believe that everyone else was not on that bus with them – and that they have actually been dragged to the back of a strange bus and given a pretty thorough kicking.
Just remember that you get what you give in life (not just here) and that while there are times when things happen that are patently unfair or unwarranted, if you approach a thread angrily, that’s likely what you will get back. So consider it for a bit, think it through and then post away.
Top Tip 3:
You are you, and they are they. So don’t spend too much time worrying about what others are doing or thinking of you. Practically any topic here will bring out someone who disagrees with you entirely, and that’s fine. It’s great to agree to disagree. And if they disagree with you by implying that you are a gibbering, uneducated moron, so what? Who are they? Keep on truckin’.
Top Tip 4:
There will be times when sales are slow for any seller here. What the hell is the point of starting endless threads asking if other people are having a slow sales day? Of course someone is!! It cannot be brisk sales for 99,999 sellers and just you having a bad day. (There actually no tip here, I just don’t get those threads.)
Top Tip 5:
Carry extra pants. Those are in case you actually do wet yourself.
Top Tip 6:
Practice faking a faint. That can come in handy should you wet yourself, or worse even, shit your pants. If you do one of the two aforementioned acts, just fake a faint and then everyone will think the, um, evacuation, was a result of, or tied to, the unconscious state. Fail to fake a faint in this situation and you are just the idiot who shit themselves.
Now you may ask yourself what Top Tips 5 & 6 have to do with the being here at Etsy. That is an excellent question. I have no idea what the answer is, but I would like to point out that both Top Tips 5 & 6 have saved my bacon more than once, so look that gift horse in the mouth at your own peril.
Well, that’s about it. I’m exhausted from giving. Tune in next week when our topic will be something hopefully not related to bodily functions. I’m not promising anything, though…