Some years ago, I took a course on Foucault and, for the most part, followed it. It was rather like my first sexual experience in that I didn’t really enjoy it and felt I could have been spending my time more productively elsewhere, but in for a penny (or an overpriced semester), in for a pound.
I say this not to give you the heebie jeebies picturing my rather drawn out and honestly humdrum sexual initiation. I just want to point out that I am not completely devoid of cognitive spark before I cover the five things that escape me. You may need to pop back up here periodically and gaze into the très smart eyes of M. Foucault. He’s piercing you with les smarts.
Things That Escape Me.
1. Radio Waves. Before the geeks out there rush to explain this to me, I have had it explained. Repeatedly. I get how simple it is. In fact, its simplicity is what freaks me out. Continuous waves of information pulsing by, through and near us all the time. Seriously, get your head around this…a transmitter miles away sends out radio waves which are picked up by the radio by your bed, which converts them into music. What. The. Hell. Music out of thin air. TV shows out of thin air. Thin air. You can’t see them and they are there all the time. We are drowning in radio waves. They go through walls. RIGHT THROUGH WALLS. I need to move on to #2 before I give in to my urge to crawl into my closet for a few days.
2. The Backlash Suffered by Jerry Lee Lewis for Marrying Myra Brown. Look, where he was from, and at that time, it was not entirely unusual. Now if his next wife was thirteen, that would be shocking. Because it should be me. ME! I’ve always dreamt of being the next Mrs Lewis. Yes, yes, I know what you are saying…stay away from the guns and swimming pools. Whatever. You be a dream killer, I’ll be a consort to the Killer. As God intended.
3. Why Can’t Dogs Live Longer? I know science can explain this – metabolism etc. This question comes from that 5-year old part of the brain that just doesn’t get why some things that are clearly wrong are tolerated by the universe. I just wish they could live longer. I miss him.
4. Why Do People Think Their Child is the Baby Jesus Reborn? They aren’t. They can’t be. If every child that was born was that special, how did we all get to be as dull as we are? Look at you? Built any rockets lately? Yeah. Thought so.
5. What’s Up With Boys and Frogs? Boy are always finding new ways to harass frogs. If it’s not a game of “Stun ‘Em” using hockey sticks (oh yes they do), it’s stupid tricks like hypnotism through belly rubs. Honestly, I do not understand the attraction. We played with tadpoles when I was small. Kept them in buckets and watched them grow. Once they became a frog, the attraction ended. But for boys, it seems to become stronger as the frog matures. The amphibious pull becomes too much for them to resist. Maybe they are simply angry about unrealistic expectations set up for them in the shape of one kissy-faced frog who talked generations of women into thinking they deserved a prince. A knight in shining armor who will swoop in and make everything all right. A completely fictional and unachievable standard that women buy into even in this day and age. Oh hell, hang on. I may have a thing or two to contribute to that conversation. I need to borrow a hockey stick.
So there it is. The exhaustive list of things that escape me. And by “exhaustive” I mean “I felt some pressure to post something here.” Please feel free to contact me with your list of things that escape you. And by “feel free” I mean “unless you are offering a foot massage, don’t call me.”