The Pork Death Rays Will Kill You!

7 Jul

Recently, a few friends and I got together to make sausages. Yes, real sausages, with the casings and everything. It was a great idea and we had a great result – check out these juicy babies:

Fat, tasty tubes of ground meat, stuffed in pig intestines. Oh yeeeah.

Great – all great! It was a great afternoon. Everyone showed a natural aptitude for sausage stuffing. (Well, everyone but me. You don’t have to tell me how surprised you are right now – I was equally shocked.  )

What stopped it from being a stupendous afternoon? We had all the ingredients for a record breaking day of good times: ground meat, casings, machinery, booze, more booze, ribald sausage humor. How did this not end up being a day to end all days?

Pork Death Rays.

As it turns out, one among us (who will remain unnamed) had a lingering paranoia about unwashed hands and pork. I don’t want to belabour just how hung up Greg was about this, but Jesus Henry Rollins he never fucking let up. And it’s not as if we weren’t washing our hands, he just wasn’t there to witness every single scrub. Take two steps toward him and he would shriek at us, like an early pork warning system. Def-pork 4!

But I shouldn’t judge. Everyone has their thing. As some of you may know, I hate spiders like they are Hitler. In fact, I suspect that if I walked into my bathroom and found Hitler  perched on my toilet, copy of Mein Kampf  in hand, I would not jump,  wee a bit, gag and have a full body shiver all at once.   That happens most times I find the tub-spider.  Hang on…did I just say “I shouldn’t judge”? Oh ha ha ha ! Rich! No, I will judge.  The world we live in has become too paranoid about cleanliness. A few germs here or there never hurt anyone. Trichinosis? I laugh in the face of those little flukes that could get all up in my gut causing nausea, heartburn, dyspepsia, and diarrhea from 2–7 days after infection, followed by edema, muscle pain, fever, swelling around the eyes,  and splinter hemorrhages in the nails, not to mention ataxia or respiratory failure and even death. Ha HA! Why when I was a kid, I remember we used to play a game called Lick the Chop. It was much like tag, except no one ran or tagged each other – we just stood at the counter and licked whatever was waiting to be cooked for dinner.

Good times.

We need to consider whether or not we are coddling our digestive tracts these days. Maybe a good spell of salmonella or a hardy parasitic infection is just nature’s way of culling the herd.

Anyway, I tell you all this simply so I could have a venue to post the below doodle. I made it special for Greg Poirier. Feel free to print it off and hang it over your sink.


10 Responses to “The Pork Death Rays Will Kill You!”

  1. Oink July 8, 2010 at 5:27 am #

    Lick the chop? That’s hilarious. As are pork death rays. If he’s that scared of pork, he must be terrified of uncooked chicken!

  2. Rob July 8, 2010 at 8:39 am #

    Every meat counter in the country should have that doodle hung by the hand-wash station.

  3. Cheryl July 8, 2010 at 9:29 am #

    Dear Oinks – I will test this chicken theory out at our next cooking party by hurling a raw, room temperature cutlet at him. Stand by for the report.

    Rob – yes they should. I deserve a little fame.

  4. Greg P July 8, 2010 at 9:57 am #

    For the record – there was a giant spider at her house that day and it terrified her.

    My grandmother was a home-ec teacher. Three lessons in life I got from that:

    1. Uncooked pork is the deadliest substance on earth (uncooked chicken only mildly less deadly)
    2. Never sit on the ground or you will die of cold in your kidneys (actually I completely disregard this and my kidneys appear to be fine)
    3. Mix dry with dry and wet with wet or your baking will never turn out

  5. Cheryl July 8, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    1. Plutonium?
    2. What is it with that generation and the kidneys?
    3. She is so right.

  6. HUBLEY July 8, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    The picture is kind of perfect.

    Also, I’m a little more scared of battery acid than pork. mmm, pork.

  7. Greg P July 9, 2010 at 3:51 pm #

    Yeah, I dunno. The Cold in the Kidneys thing must have been ingrained in them in middle school or something.

    Grams: “But why do I have to drink this Cod Liver Oil”

    Teacher Response: “Well Anna, like all normal children your age, you sat on the ground outside and now this is the only thing that will save you from dying a horrible, painful death caused by Cold In Your Kidneys”.

    Also, if you look up stats on number of deaths caused by Trichinosis, Salmonella and Radiation Poisoning – I am pretty sure we will find that radioactive goods (outside certain Russian states) aren’t that big a risk.

  8. Cheryl July 9, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    So it’s quantity of deaths over actual peril to your health on contact?

    In one hand I have a raw pork shop, in the other, a vial of plutonium. Which would you rather I hurl in your face??

  9. cha0tic July 9, 2010 at 4:08 pm #

    Can we play lick the chop in the Autumn?

  10. Cheryl July 9, 2010 at 4:20 pm #

    Well now it just sounds wrong.

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