Sean Connery ruins everything.

16 Jul

I’ve got a real dislike for Sean Connery. May I explain?

1. He Can’t Act.

Just saying you are an actor does not make it so. In the same way that Shania Twain can use the phrase “…as an artist…” and then produce masterpieces with lines such as “you’re a fine piece of real estate and I’m gonna get me some land,”  saying it simply doesn’t make it so.  Sean Connery plays Sean Connery in every film, and since he actually is Sean Connery, well… big deal. Please stop awarding him medals and prizes for playing his natural, gobby, misogynistic, two dimensional self.  It’s no stretch. For Christ’s sake, he doesn’t even bother to learn accents. I hear Meryl Streep offered to give him some tips one night at an Oscar gala, and he dealt her a hook punch that sent her ass over tea kettle into the buffet, leaving her visibly stunned. What effect such a punch may have had on her is unknown, but two days later she signed on for Prairie Home Companion. True story.*

2. The Above Mentioned Misogynistic Streak

At repeated points in his adult life, Mr. Connery has mentioned that there are confrontational, bloody-minded women who simply “want a smack.”  Well, if we’re working on the premise that people who annoy us continually should be dealt with physically, may I suggest sir that you keep an eye on the old pound of plums. For under this new system, I will feel free to kick yours back up far enough that they will only compound the difficulties people have in understanding your “Irish” accent, circa The Untouchables.  In deference to your Only Hit Her With An Open Hand policy, I will boot you only with the flat top of my foot, and not a pointy-toed shoe.

3. The Sharks in the Swimming Pools.

I've just wet myself trying to upload this as it is the scariest picture known to man.

I know what you are thinking…shouldn’t I be blaming my sister for this? After all, it was she who, upon noticing my enjoyment of the hotel swimming pool while we were traveling one summer, said “Hey what’s that shadow down there? Do you think it’s a shark?”  YOU KNOW I AM MYOPIC, KATHY! To the near-sighted, sharks are everywhere!  So, yes, on the surface she looks culpable. But  if you dig a little deeper, I think you will find that the very premise of a shark in a swimming pool is ridiculous. If there were a sliding scale of ridiculous, rainbow-flavored magician Doug Henning would be on silly-ridiculous end of the scale, and sharks in the swimming pool would be on the James Bond-ridiculous end of the scale. And as the best loved film version of Bond, Connery is clearly left holding the bag for that crazily intense feeling that can overwhelm a person as they swim toward the ladder which will take them out of the pool and to safety…or will it? Can you swim fast enough Cookie? Can you swim faster than a shark?  DID SOMETHING JUST BRUSH YOUR FOOT? DAMN YOU CONNERY!

4. This:

Zed the Brutal displays his tenuous front-knot.

This is the one exception to my love of hairy chested men. However, it’s also the shining example of exactly how an actor of this man’s caliber should have spent his career: in thigh high boots and a man-kini of bullets. Would that we lived in such a perfect world.

*Patently not true.

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5 Responses to “Sean Connery ruins everything.”

  1. HUBLEY July 17, 2010 at 7:31 pm #

    YOU are hilarious. I had no idea he was such a pig. However, I do have a couple of cents to add, as is my wont:
    1/ SC was hot as hell as Darby O’Gill and that film is campy, silly fun, in my recollection;
    2/ The pic is way less scary if you look at the curve of sharkey’s mouth and imagine him saying, “durr durr de durr”.
    You’re welcome.
    Also SNL celebrity jeopardy mocking SC is some of my fave tv ever.

  2. Cheryl July 17, 2010 at 7:57 pm #

    NO he was not
    The durrr thign worked for about 1.7 seconds.
    the SNL Connery is the only one I like 😉

  3. Kathy Colaiacovo July 19, 2010 at 9:54 pm #

    Hahahahaha… I still laugh at the fact that a 13 and 11 year old could work things up to the point that they indeed did swim fast out of the pool at the Ramada hotel to get away from the shark in the pool – in the middle of London Ontario!
    In my defense I had only had glasses for 1 month! ‘course I did not have them on at the time – things were probably a little blurry, and it really really did look like a shark.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Sean Connery ruins everything. « Wry and Ginger -- Topsy.com - July 17, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Terrie Ijams, Lisa Y. Lisa Y said: Warning: scary photos! RT @wryandginger My list of grievances concerning Sean Connery : http://ow.ly/2cTJ3 […]

  2. TelegramTowns vs. ICT « Nicole, Worcester - August 24, 2010

    […] them!” (which I thought was going to bring me flashbacks of Sean Connery in red hotpants in Zardoz; yes, that was a link to a blog called “Wry and Ginger” — Sid McKeen, feel free […]

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